Okay chaps, here’s the data from the on-board data collection device: [1] http://connect.garmin.com/activity/94982370

With the promise of beautiful weather eleven Thorpers showed up at the start. Well twelve actually because Les turned up at 9am and set off in the opposite direction for a reason I’m not quite sure. Anyway, nice to see you Les. On today’s little Thorper escapade were Mad John, Johnny, Sky John, John ‘No nickname’ Spindler, Phil & Ben (The Flower Pot Men), Alex, Doug, Mick the Ref, Geoff and me (Craig J). Hills seemed to be the agenda of the day, so we set off in our usual disorganised manner to complete the Etape du Elsecar: [2] http://www.elsecar-heritage-centre.co.uk/

Taking the back route to the windmills I expected to see an angry Minotaur at every corner. Only Captain Al knows his way through this Labyrinth of hilly back lanes, miraculously popping out near the windmills (only to disappear again down some other obscure road). Mick had a mechanical, which means three of our number had the distinction of being beaten up a hill by a jogger. The absence of aggressive drivers was notable (in fact motorists in general) as we made our way, crisscrossing roads we don’t know with roads we do. Well done on the navigation front for that, Captain Al.

In the points section for the Red Jersey Sky John scored first, second and third. He scored points for the ’sore thumb’ award of sticking out like the proverbial (usually three abreast with a car behind). He also scored points for the most ineffective piece of group communication. Relaying the term ‘Car up’ he stayed exactly where he had been, in the middle of the road (much to the amusement of everyone behind). However, his outstanding achievement was for playing ‘chicken’ with an oncoming Volvo (hidden in a dip) on the hill coming down towards Wigfield Farm. We had a quick committee meeting and conferred the award. An outstanding performance, Mr. Gledhill!

Arriving at Elsecar  cafe pandemonium erupted throughout the ranks of the Thorpers as it was discovered they didn’t do beans on toast. Outrageous! After a short while the Thorpers recovered from this shocking news and consulted the menu. In his usual custom FEB announced what he was going to have to the world, and how much it was going to cost him, and how he had arrived at this decision. Turns out he missed breakfast by about five minutes. Mick the Ref, meanwhile, had a slight sense of humour failure waiting for his baked potato.

Bellies full the Thorpers set off back. Captain Al decided discretion was the better part of valour and opted for the direct route. After a curious display of undressing by John ‘No nickname’ Spindler we continued on that A road back from Barnsley more or less in a bunch. Passing a Ice Cream Parlour Ben had a tantrum by the side of the road and demanded we stop for a beetroot sundae. The other Flower Pot man, Phil readily agreed, though he had mistaken the sign to read ‘massage parlour’. Reluctantly the rest of us acquiesced to his insolent demands, fearing yet another display of public embarrassment.

With the residue of ice cream on everyone’s lips we returned over Emley Moor. We actually managed to stay more or less in a group (miraculous!) with each going their separate ways from Grange Moor onwards.

We were all quite amazed by the climbing stats today. Mrs Garmin says 5,528ft of climbing in 65m (with an average moving speed of 15mph).  Because it was ‘lumpy’ rather than lots of hills it didn’t seem as much. At one point it was 100ft of climbing per mile which pro rata is the same as the Etape du Dales. I reckon this is just about as hilly as you can get (though no doubt you cycling nerds are going to tell me something different, or I got my calculations wrong). My legs, however, are telling me it was a hilly route. Okay, so here’s a Garmin challenge. Find the hilliest route from your stats and see who can find the most amount of climbing per mile over ‘reasonable’ distances, i.e. more than a 20 miles.

Next week’s thrilling episode of Captain Al on the Thorper Channel our annual outing to the National Road Race Cycling Championship at  Barley. YES! It’s the Barley Whine Festival “How many miles”, “Are we there yet”, “I don’t remember this hill”, “We should have set off earlier”, “I can’t keep up”, “You lads go on and leave me, I’ll be all right on my own”, “Is this a club run or a race”, “I’m not as fit as I used to be”. Points deducted for cliches, points added for unusual, original or witty comments.

Look forward to seeing everybody next week.