Author Archive
The further adventures of Captain Al and his merry men
26/06/2011 by Sir Q Ittus-Root.
Okay chaps, here’s the data from the on-board data collection device: http://connect.garmin.com/activity/94982370
With the promise of beautiful weather eleven Thorpers showed up at the start. Well twelve actually because Les turned up at 9am and set off in the opposite direction for a reason I’m not quite sure. Anyway, nice to see you Les. On today’s little Thorper escapade were Mad John, Johnny, Sky John, John ‘No nickname’ Spindler, Phil & Ben (The Flower Pot Men), Alex, Doug, Mick the Ref, Geoff and me (Craig J). Hills seemed to be the agenda of the day, so we set off in our usual disorganised manner to complete the Etape du Elsecar: http://www.elsecar-heritage-centre.co.uk/
Taking the back route to the windmills I expected to see an angry Minotaur at every corner. Only Captain Al knows his way through this Labyrinth of hilly back lanes, miraculously popping out near the windmills (only to disappear again down some other obscure road). Mick had a mechanical, which means three of our number had the distinction of being beaten up a hill by a jogger. The absence of aggressive drivers was notable (in fact motorists in general) as we made our way, crisscrossing roads we don’t know with roads we do. Well done on the navigation front for that, Captain Al.
In the points section for the Red Jersey Sky John scored first, second and third. He scored points for the ’sore thumb’ award of sticking out like the proverbial (usually three abreast with a car behind). He also scored points for the most ineffective piece of group communication. Relaying the term ‘Car up’ he stayed exactly where he had been, in the middle of the road (much to the amusement of everyone behind). However, his outstanding achievement was for playing ‘chicken’ with an oncoming Volvo (hidden in a dip) on the hill coming down towards Wigfield Farm. We had a quick committee meeting and conferred the award. An outstanding performance, Mr. Gledhill!
Arriving at Elsecar cafe pandemonium erupted throughout the ranks of the Thorpers as it was discovered they didn’t do beans on toast. Outrageous! After a short while the Thorpers recovered from this shocking news and consulted the menu. In his usual custom FEB announced what he was going to have to the world, and how much it was going to cost him, and how he had arrived at this decision. Turns out he missed breakfast by about five minutes. Mick the Ref, meanwhile, had a slight sense of humour failure waiting for his baked potato.
Bellies full the Thorpers set off back. Captain Al decided discretion was the better part of valour and opted for the direct route. After a curious display of undressing by John ‘No nickname’ Spindler we continued on that A road back from Barnsley more or less in a bunch. Passing a Ice Cream Parlour Ben had a tantrum by the side of the road and demanded we stop for a beetroot sundae. The other Flower Pot man, Phil readily agreed, though he had mistaken the sign to read ‘massage parlour’. Reluctantly the rest of us acquiesced to his insolent demands, fearing yet another display of public embarrassment.
With the residue of ice cream on everyone’s lips we returned over Emley Moor. We actually managed to stay more or less in a group (miraculous!) with each going their separate ways from Grange Moor onwards.
We were all quite amazed by the climbing stats today. Mrs Garmin says 5,528ft of climbing in 65m (with an average moving speed of 15mph). Because it was ‘lumpy’ rather than lots of hills it didn’t seem as much. At one point it was 100ft of climbing per mile which pro rata is the same as the Etape du Dales. I reckon this is just about as hilly as you can get (though no doubt you cycling nerds are going to tell me something different, or I got my calculations wrong). My legs, however, are telling me it was a hilly route. Okay, so here’s a Garmin challenge. Find the hilliest route from your stats and see who can find the most amount of climbing per mile over ‘reasonable’ distances, i.e. more than a 20 miles.
Next week’s thrilling episode of Captain Al on the Thorper Channel our annual outing to the National Road Race Cycling Championship at Barley. YES! It’s the Barley Whine Festival “How many miles”, “Are we there yet”, “I don’t remember this hill”, “We should have set off earlier”, “I can’t keep up”, “You lads go on and leave me, I’ll be all right on my own”, “Is this a club run or a race”, “I’m not as fit as I used to be”. Points deducted for cliches, points added for unusual, original or witty comments.
Look forward to seeing everybody next week.
Keighley - Pecket Well - Cragg Vale
19/06/2011 by Sir Q Ittus-Root.
http://connect.garmin.com/activity/93388550
On today’s little sojourn were Capt. Alex, Mad John, Radio John (Bolti’s brother), Bolti, Johnny, Mad John, Mick the Ref and Son of Johnson (Craig, that’s me). FEB rang in with a note from his mum saying he was sick, Alex arrived with a late note.
We set off along the finest asphalt that Kirklees had to offer. The Sowerby Crew offered us a tow to Brighouse as they turned towards Halifax and Peckett Well. We hadn’t even got out of Mirfield before Mad John lost his bottle (literally), casualty to a Kirklees crater . On to Baliff Bridge we turned left up the first hill and made our way to that place with it’s own weather system, Queensbury.
On through Denholme and down into Keighley we met some random Thorpers at Rossi’s for second breakfast. Geoff and Damian put in an appearance with Martin turning up later. The Captain suffered a rebellion in the cafe as some of the more dedicated members decided to go back via Pecket Well and Cragg Vale.
At the Haworth roundabout the club split in two. Climbing up towards Peckett Well the headwind got stronger the higher you got. It became a bit of a Cher concert by now, with a suitable amount of changes as the jackets were taken off for the uphill and put back on for the downhill.
Two of the team were suffering today. Johnny with the start of a cold and Mad John wasn’t his usual happy, fast and carefree self. From Cragg Vale we had a rear wind…. which was nice. I recorded 46.5mph coming into Rishworth (nice wide road) and returning through Brighouse. Total just short of 60 miles with an average of 15.1 mph.
Good time had by all, home in time to watch BSB and WSB.
Instructions
09/06/2011 by Sir Q Ittus-Root.
For those new to ‘the Thorper experience’ I just thought I’d outline the various ways of communicating whilst in a group:1. ‘Mile off’….. accelerate, somebody is about to drop off the back.2. ‘Single out’ …. ride three abreast, especially if there are double whites.3. ‘Car up’…. take up as much of the road as possible.4. ‘Car down’…. stay as you are, the car will eventually chicken out anyway.5. ‘Lights’… traffic lights are only a suggestion to a cyclist6. ’Easy’….. something’s up ahead, but if we ignore it it, it might just go away.7. ‘Puncture’….. time for a unscheduled break and an assessment of somebody’s mechanical skills (or lack of them).8. ‘Chain’…. somebody’s cadence is has suddenly shot up. Keep on going for fear of getting mucky hands and grease on your prized jersey.9. ‘Clear’…. look left, right and left again at the junction. Never trust a fellow Thorper’s judgement as they might just be having a laugh.10. ‘Middle’…. smooth surface, arn’t Kirklees Council fantastic?11. ‘All over’…. go home and get your mountain bike.12. ‘Inside’…. move over to the left as quickly as possible.13. ’Come through’…. I’m enjoying my time on the front, don’t whatever you do come past me.
Spare ticket for Etape du Dales
04/05/2011 by Sir Q Ittus-Root.
Someone I know has dropped out the Etape du Dales (I wish it was me). If anybody fancies sweating their way round this grueling and unforgiving course (Mad John?) drop me a line and I’ll put you in touch.RegardsCraig
Thorper Christmas Tour
29/10/2010 by Sir Q Ittus-Root.
Thorper Christmas Tours were a something of a legend. I use the word ‘legend’ advisedly as I think they were making it up.Apparently they used to set off on 24th December (or thereabouts) and return on the 26th December (or thereabouts). It wasn’t one or two people either - upwards of a dozen, I’ve heard as high as 20. Now I know some of you mummy’s boys couldn’t possibly be away at that time of year, and I would not propose something as radical.However, in the spirit of tradition me and ‘Bodsey’ (an ex-Thorper some of you will have met on Linda’s Ride) have been doing a Christmas Tour for about four years now. This year we’re planning to go away Saturday 11th December and return on Sunday 12th December.We usually head out to the Dales, stay overnight (pub, b&b), have a few beers (yes, I know that’s a banned substance for some of you lightweights). Lunch breaks are equally ’sociable’. Previous years have been to Appletreewick, Reeth, Gunnerside and Low Row (Well, with the last one got to Hawes before we binned it ‘cos of the Arctic conditions). This year with probably be back to Low Row as it is ‘unfinished business’. (For those who’ve done the Rayner Ride the Punch Bowl is on the left before that horrendous climb that takes you out of Swaledale and up to the Tan Hill… eventually).That’s about as far as we’ve got with the planning. If anybody would like to join us you’re more than welcome (more the merrier). Mudguards, lights, panniers obligatory, which I know will be a strange experience for some of you. However, it is a good way of getting 160m of winter miles in :-)RegardsCraig
Message for Ben
03/08/2010 by Sir Q Ittus-Root.
Ben - the info we talked about: billywhizzr1
The Renshaw Technique
17/07/2010 by Sir Q Ittus-Root.
This weekend I will be rehearsing “the Renshaw technique”. Anybody that passes me will get three head butts and/or forced into the side of the road. As none of you will listen to my dieting advice, I am hoping this will slow some of you buggers down (!)
Four go mad in Cracoe (and so did the waitress, which I guess makes five)
20/06/2010 by Sir Q Ittus-Root.
At the usual rendezvous (the closest most Thorpers get to a library) John, John, and Johnson were met by an exuberant Phil who had planned the route for the day. Cracoe…. via Wycoller? I don’t know who’s dafter, Phil or us for trusting him. Not that’s what I call a circuitous route. I only hope Phil’s wife reads this blog, ‘cos you’d need an R1 to get back comfortably by 2.30pm… like wot he’d promised her.
Anyway, out through Wyke and over Queensbury set the scene for the day. Short, sharp descents preceded by ENDLESS climbing. Johnson had a puncture outside of The Sandal Restaurant. Assisted by the other Johnson and the other Johns we managed to get the tyre back on without puncturing the inner tube… which made a change. Johnson normally needs three attempts for this particular operation.
On the hills… the endless hills…. John proved his fitness whilst John wasn’t doing too bad either. The Johnson twins did their usual combination of dithering and moaning. Johnson kept announcing “one last hill” and “it’s all downhill from here”. John, John and Johnson learned a new lesson today. Don’t ever trust Johnson’s judgement again.
There was no morning break today, Johnson was working us all hard. After Gargrave we eventually met some signs for Cracoe. Ravenous we arrived at the cafe. John & John had a ‘medium breakfast’ whilst Johnson & Johnson had EPO. Eggs, Poached On (top of beans on toast). Johnson, meanwhile, caused a riot when it looked like he might be helping to a caramel slice (another banned substance). And whilst we’re at it can I suggest at the next committee meeting (as an amendment to club rules) that members REFRAIN from putting pepper on their eggs? It’s anti-social. In fact it’s worse than smoking and should be banned, immediately.
Johnson suggested we take it easy after such a meal. This was promptly ignored by Johnson and John, as Johnson and John yo-yo’ed a bit with the pace. Johnson, meanwhile, complaining about the road surface being uneven, discovered yet another tyre problem. This time at the back. The tyre had ‘bobelled’ and had a reet big lump on it. John selflessly volunteered to stay with Johnson, leaving Johnson and John to go back at their own pace from Keighley. Bit ironic, because Johnson and John saw Johnson at the top of Manchester Road. John and Johnson were quietly relieved that John and Johnson had gone back at their own pace.
Back by 4pm, an excellent day’s cycling. 80m approx, pace of 15 mph.
