Author Archive
The Renshaw Technique
17/07/2010 by Sir Q Ittus-Root.
This weekend I will be rehearsing “the Renshaw technique”. Anybody that passes me will get three head butts and/or forced into the side of the road. As none of you will listen to my dieting advice, I am hoping this will slow some of you buggers down (!)
Four go mad in Cracoe (and so did the waitress, which I guess makes five)
20/06/2010 by Sir Q Ittus-Root.
At the usual rendezvous (the closest most Thorpers get to a library) John, John, and Johnson were met by an exuberant Phil who had planned the route for the day. Cracoe…. via Wycoller? I don’t know who’s dafter, Phil or us for trusting him. Not that’s what I call a circuitous route. I only hope Phil’s wife reads this blog, ‘cos you’d need an R1 to get back comfortably by 2.30pm… like wot he’d promised her.
Anyway, out through Wyke and over Queensbury set the scene for the day. Short, sharp descents preceded by ENDLESS climbing. Johnson had a puncture outside of The Sandal Restaurant. Assisted by the other Johnson and the other Johns we managed to get the tyre back on without puncturing the inner tube… which made a change. Johnson normally needs three attempts for this particular operation.
On the hills… the endless hills…. John proved his fitness whilst John wasn’t doing too bad either. The Johnson twins did their usual combination of dithering and moaning. Johnson kept announcing “one last hill” and “it’s all downhill from here”. John, John and Johnson learned a new lesson today. Don’t ever trust Johnson’s judgement again.
There was no morning break today, Johnson was working us all hard. After Gargrave we eventually met some signs for Cracoe. Ravenous we arrived at the cafe. John & John had a ‘medium breakfast’ whilst Johnson & Johnson had EPO. Eggs, Poached On (top of beans on toast). Johnson, meanwhile, caused a riot when it looked like he might be helping to a caramel slice (another banned substance). And whilst we’re at it can I suggest at the next committee meeting (as an amendment to club rules) that members REFRAIN from putting pepper on their eggs? It’s anti-social. In fact it’s worse than smoking and should be banned, immediately.
Johnson suggested we take it easy after such a meal. This was promptly ignored by Johnson and John, as Johnson and John yo-yo’ed a bit with the pace. Johnson, meanwhile, complaining about the road surface being uneven, discovered yet another tyre problem. This time at the back. The tyre had ‘bobelled’ and had a reet big lump on it. John selflessly volunteered to stay with Johnson, leaving Johnson and John to go back at their own pace from Keighley. Bit ironic, because Johnson and John saw Johnson at the top of Manchester Road. John and Johnson were quietly relieved that John and Johnson had gone back at their own pace.
Back by 4pm, an excellent day’s cycling. 80m approx, pace of 15 mph.
Five Go Mad in Selby
13/06/2010 by Sir Q Ittus-Root.
On today’s little escapade were Phil “Lunn Poly” Rounding, John “The lollipop”, Phi; “Full English Breakfast” Johnson, his twin brother Craig and Dave Hirst. The objective was Selby, well known… for being called Selby. CJ’s diner, to be exact. Whilst we waited for the usual club stalwarts to appear Phil regaled us with last week’s horror story. Being “Thorper Billy no mates” the Sowerby crew had kindly accommodated our outcast. Arriving at the cafe in Holmfirth he found out their dreadful intent. He discovered they survived all day on a low-fat latte all day, zero lard intake. Mortified by their lack of respect for the fry up he was glad to be back with the usual crew. We consoled him with the usual sympathy accorded by cyclists, none. The relationship between their speed and our diet were soon dismissed as wild speculation.
Anyway, the forecast had said it was going to wang it down all day. This may have explained some gaps in the line. Attire ranged from the optimistic (no mud guards, short and short sleeves) to the pessimistic and prepared (mud guards and several layers). Today favoured the optimists. Two paragraphs in, and we haven’t even left Mirfield.
Our route was Dewsbury, Shaw Cross, Thorpe, Garforth, and Lotherton Hall. Dave Hirst and Phil Johnson were like a couple of giddy school girls as they raced towards the town/village signs. The pace went noticeably up as we pass the A1(M) junction (nightmare roundabout) and hit the smoother, flatter stuff. Arriving at Lotherton Hall Phil “More holidays than Lunn Poly” Rounding complained he must be getting soft living the RV life style, complete with central heating and air-conditioning.
Noting their usual British retail hospitality, soon as we arrived all the staff at Lotherton ran into the kitchen. Whilst the Garmin’s chirped at each other we enjoyed a well-earned cup of char. Lotherton is, in fact, not that far from Selby, though the giddy couple were disappointed there was no sign for Sherburn. Cycling in the country lanes was marvellous, the sun even showed itself on a few occasions. The quiet was only shattered by John’s wheels as he must have stuck a lollipop in his spokes, judging from the noise they made. We didn’t see a bird all day, curiously.
We got to CJ’s at about 11.30am. We decided Dave had ordered a salad as his baked potato had a cucumber on top. Phil “FEB” Johnson was not too put out at missed his lard intake – we knew this place had gone up market and offered the same as an FEB, but spread out in different permutations in the menu. That’s posh, that is. Phil satisfied himself with negotiating extra grated cheese on his beans on toast and tormenting the staff. We decided pepper on a fried egg was worse than smoking, and should be banned, immediately.
The ride back was equally entertaining. A mixture of strategy, tactics and cheating were used to sprint for the signs. One thing is for sure, Dave won’t need an eyesight test next time he goes for a medical. We hit a few showers coming back. We stopped a few times, cape up, cape off, cape up, cape off, cape up, cape off, oh sod the cape etc.
On the last hill our consumer of Winnebago culture did his last selfless, Captain Oates, sacrifice. “Don’t wait for me lads”. Of course we’re all used to Rounding and his reverse psychology, as he came up bounding the hill at East Ardsley ( is it?) just a few bike lengths behind. We waved au revoir to FEB at the Batley sign and John “The Lollipop” peeled off at Thornhill.
As a last rejoinder I just want you to know, Hirst, that although you may have got the last sign (Mirfield), the one that really matters is the one for Ravensthorpe J. Home by 2.30, Planet-X washed, kissed and tucked up into bed it was lashing it down by 4pm. The weathermen were right, but late in their forecast. An excellent day’s outing, and I have to confess to a rather long kip on the settee after.
Five go Mad In Glossop
10/05/2010 by Sir Q Ittus-Root.
A coolish Sunday morning saw Martyn B., Geoff, Phil J., ‘Damian the Condor’ and Craig J. at Mirfield Library. Martyn’s suggestion of attending a church service for cyclists were quashed as rumours of a second team doing Holme Moss and Strines were confirmed: we never found out if Ben managed to locate Chateau de Bocx.
Taking the ‘wheel tester route’ of St. Andrew’s and Firth Street was uneventful. Coming through Holmfirth we got overtaken by a cyclist, so we dispatched Phil “Shep” Johnson to chase him down. The wimp turned off so we regrouped to tackle the Moss. About half way up we got overtaken by Dave Hirst and his family… they were in a car, by the way.
Regrouping at the top we made the rapid decent, on to the main road and turned off towards Glossop. We met up with Dave and his family who were going to do a cycle track by the first reservoir. The Hirsts were caught queuing up for ice cream before they’d even done anything! Heading into a headwind we turned off towards Hadfield and an early lunch break. Big breakfasts for most of us (we needed the fuel) we headed off for Snake Pass. We met another cyclist who tagged on the back. He said he hadn’t been out for a while, and as is usual, bet us all to the top. Snake is every bit the grind I remembered it, but I think the ‘Full English’ must have weighed us down.
However, going into the valley towards Ladybower / Strines was an effortless and very enjoyable descent. Reminds me why we go cycling, and was almost worth the effort of Snake Pass. On the hill after Ladybower the head wind returned, the sky clouded over. All it needed was a hand coming out of the sky and a bolt of lightning to tell us we should have heeded Martyn’s suggestion and gone to church.
Geoff had never done the Strines, and listening to our stories of previous experiences did not fill him with confidence. However he showed us all up as the ‘retired gentleman’ glided up all three. We all decided we didn’t like him anymore. Phil J. and Martyn, meanwhile, nearly got run over whilst crossing to the wrong side of the road to avoid the gradient, Phil J. ending up in the gravel. Damian, meanwhile, tried his reverse psychology trick by claiming he’d only done 300m this year. Funnily enough he said that last time he came out with us – his odometer must have got stuck.
With the last ‘cliff face’ climbed we regrouped and set off for Langsett cafe for a well-deserved break. The return journey was back through Brockholes and town. A very enjoyable day out, we actually managed to stay together as a group ride and enjoy the minor epic that is Moss/Strines.
Sunday Run
08/05/2010 by Sir Q Ittus-Root.
Holme Moss / Glossop / Snake Pass / Strines, anyone, for tomorrow?
Craig J.
5 + 2, -1, then -1, then -1 go to Burnsall, or thereabouts
03/05/2010 by Sir Q Ittus-Root.
The Bank Holiday weekend saw a small but select band congregate at Mirfield Library; Jeremy, Phil R., Phil J., Martyn Bolt and Craig J. Other than a failed assignation attempt on Marytn by a Range Rover reversing out of Burned Lane our trip into Keighley was cold but without event. No nasty surprises from gormless pedestrians, at least.
At Rossi’s we met up with Derek and Martin Lucas where a cup of tea to warm the extremities was most welcomed. Going up Cringles we caught a brief glimpse of Derek before turning left at the crest to take the scenic route down to Draughton. Martin L. was spitting feathers at this point because we’d kept rolling, rather than waiting at the top of the hill. Quite right, Martin.
We took a detour from the usual / traditional / boring route that took us off the main route via Embsay, though the direction finding of Martyn Bolt was called in to question, it turned out fine. Phil R., meanwhile, had gone a different route to meeting up with Derek. At Cracoe Martin L. must have decided that was the end of the club runs as he followed another cyclist into the farm shop, whilst the four remaining Thorpers, confused, went on to our ultimate destination of Burnsall.
The cafe was full of people and smoke from their burned offerings. Phil J. was in his element by upsetting the guy in the newsagents by leaning his bike against the sign. Then he decided to eat the clotted cream of the people who’d been sitting on the next table, who then came back in again. The full-english was considered a success by the Johnson Brothers and Martyn Bolt. Jeremy had beans on toast, but had had a bacon and egg sarnie at Rossi’s, so had eaten his full English in two instalments.
The route back was through Appletreewick and that Pavillion thingy. Distances between cyclists now became somewhat elastic, between 0.5m and 0.5km. A discussion about going back over the Cow and Calf was successfully quashed, favouring the flat alternative through Nesfield / Middleton. The pace inexplicably quickened going towards Burley where I was left doing my impression of the last scene of Von Ryan’s Express.
Going up Manchester Road Martyn lived up to his surname as he disappeared off into the sunset chasing Jeremy like a collie dog. The Johnson brothers, meanwhile, formed the rear guard easing their English breakfasts and bicycles up gently. I had 82m on the clock when I got home with an average of 14.2.
An entertaining day’s cycling, up to the usual Thorper standard in every respect.
Craig J.
Christmas Tour
12/11/2009 by Sir Q Ittus-Root.
Me and ‘Bodsie’ (ex-Thorper from years back) are going on a Christmas Tour up t’Dales. The Thorper Christmas Tours of years back were stuff of legend.
We’re stopping at The Punch Bowl at Low Row and coming back the next day. Much beer will be drunk. Many miles will be cycled. In the unlikely event that any of you skinny, licra-clad woosies are up for a winter tour, you are most welcome to join us.
Mudguards and paniers obligatory. Beards optional 
Sir Q Ittus-Root
Saturday 19th - Sunday 20th December. Start at Otley (to miss the Bradford traffic out).
Club Run - Burnley 11/10/09
11/10/2009 by Sir Q Ittus-Root.
On the club run this week were Phil “FEB” Johnson., El Presidenti, Cloggy (aka Jack) and Craig J. That’s Johnson, Johnson, Johnson & Johnson (employee) and Phil Rounding. Or, two Phils, two Johnsons, and a Jack 
Anyways, deciding on a Southwood direction thru Halifax the further up the Toddy valley we got the wetter it got. The Dutch contingent turned off up that hill wot goes on for 5 miles (wasn’t that a short cut, Jack?). The three bedraggled remnants of the Thorpers, meanwhile, arrived at Hebden Bridge. Hopes for food and rest were dashed by an enthusiastic President leading from the front. At Todmorden an open cafe opposite the market proved too much of a temptation. At this point we decided to officially “bin it.” Nice weather for ducks.
With the wind behind we went towards Littleborough and taking a sneaky right avoided the traffic (and the rather tedious road) to emerge just before the last sign of civilisation on the Lancashire-Yorkshire border. The Ripponden-Brighouse route was short work, getting home at 1.30pm now dry but still with wet feet. Stats: 3:10:56 hours ride, 49.56m @ 15.6mph, max speed 39.4mph (… if only that truck hadn’t been in the way…), average cadence 72.23, star sign Cancer. Conclusion: Bit wet, but all glad we made the effort.
Club Run Mirfield to Selby 30/08/09
30/08/2009 by Sir Q Ittus-Root.
At the start were Phil Rounding, Paul Brierley, Phil Johnson & Craig Johnson. Straight off to Castleford on the usual route to meet Derek & Harry. Phil & Craig went on to Selby via Fairburn/Burton Salmon/Gateforth. At the appropriately named CJ’s FEBs were not on the menu 
Boo! Phil negotiated beans on toast with cheese on top with two rashers of bacon. I had ham & cheese paninni, which wasn’t very exciting but filled a gap. Coming back the weather ’whooped up’ a nice prevailing wind (becoming a bit of a tradition when we go East). Back for 2pm so Phil could fall asleep at his sister-in-law’s birthday party. Total of 66miles, and Selby made a bit of a change from the usual. See you in a fortnight’s time for……….. Boothferry Bridge.
Club Run Mirfield to Boothferry Bridge 16/08/09
17/08/2009 by Sir Q Ittus-Root.
Following the cultural experience that is the “Star Wars Bar” in Castleford four of the more (fool)hardy members continued with the planned run… that was until we got to Fairburn where a change in direction from sunny Wetherby indicated yet another hidden agenda for the day! After a brief consultation the new destination of Boothferry Bridge was decided upon. This seemed to be on the basis that we didn’t know whether there was a decent cafe in Wetherby(?!) With a few Catherine-Tate style “whatevers” we continued on.
With a tail wind we made good progress and got to the cafe at mid day. Martin & Mick the ex-ref opting for beans on toast (Mick had an egg on top) whilst the two Johnsons (the greasy gourmets) opted for the all-day breakfast. I actually don’t like cycling, but I do like eating.
Anyway, setting back there was, of course, a considerable head wind which got a little tedious as there is no shelter in that part of the world. Taking turns on the front that fragmented into riding 20m part (!) Martin’s impeccable route finding lead us through loads of country lanes that lead us back (eventually) to West Bretton. With my new computer (accidentally reset) I recorded 90 miles with an average 14.9 (that’ll have missed out the tail wind recordings which averaged 20mph). Those who live further afield (Mick) were making claims of a three-figure mileageby the time they got home.
A good ride in good company. My only question is will we end up getting confused on Sunday 13th September when the club run is to Boothferry and end up on Wetherby?
